Clueless in Calcutta

So, I'm back in Kolkata. This wasn't planned. I got a call  from Mitali  saying the eye doctor would see me  today and I have to undergo a few tests before that and so I just had a couple of hours to book my ticket, have a shower and pack and  lock up the house in Bolpur. And here I am, back in Kolkata.

The moment I walked in I got the bad news that Raj has not  got the promised raise. I sent Vijay a message immediately. He called back later to explain to me that even if Raj hadn't got the promised raise, he would be getting performance pay of Rs 1 Lakh plus and that would in effect be a raise. I hope he is right. We can only wait and see. But I do appreciate the fact he called back. He didn't have to. He has done me a huge favour by giving Raj a job. So I was out of line in even messaging him. But I just can't stand unfairness in any form. And to me, Raj not getting a raise seemed unfair.

But Vijay took the opportunity to inform me that I wouldn't be getting the NSUI job. Well, it doesn't matter really and in a way I am relieved.  But what's pissing me off is that he dragged me into it despite my reluctance, announced to the whole world about it, gave me a pep-talk to convince me to  take up the offer and now tells me that it's not coming through! And just when  I psyched myself up to do what he wanted me to do!

Anyway, whatever happens, happens for the best. At the  moment, I'm relieved, disappointed and clueless as to what my next step  should  be. Only time will tell.

Day Two of Return

I really must get my cataract operation done. I can't read for any length of time (and I have so many books to read!) and I can't watch TV for too long either. The right eye hurts, I get a headache and now my vision in the right eye too  is getting blurred.  Mitali is  going to set up an appointment with the doctor today.

If I go in for an operation now, I will have to skip my trip to the project. But at least hopefully I will be fine in time for the next JNLI assignment. I am expecting some engagement once the West Bengal elections are over.

I arrived in Bolpur on the day of the election. When I got off the train, I was a little bit apprehensive about finding a rickshaw as I assumed they would all be busy taking people to polling booths. But I was pleasantly surprised to see that everything was quite normal. The shops were open. People were walking  around. This does not happen in Delhi in election day. Usually the streets are deserted and the shops are closed and everyone including the taxis and autorickshaws are off the road! Thank God it was all so peaceful here in Bolpur.

I didn't do much yesterday. Tried to read a bit. Watched TV. Slept in the afternoon and went out and bought some vegetables in the evening.

It rained a few drops  yesterday. But the dust storm that "erupted" in the afternoon cooled things down somewhat. It was cold at night and even  now,  it's cloudy and cool. Nice time to be here. Nice weather to sit on the swing seat on the veranda and read a few more pages of "The Intolerant Indian".

A New Resolve

I'm back Bolpur. I arrived in the afternoon yesterday. Had lunch at my neighbour's house (Sunil) and slept like a dog all afternoon. I didn't realize I was so tired. Even when I woke up in the evening, I continued to feel tired... so after a bit of shopping, and tv watching, I went to bed and woke up around 7:00 am today -- which is rather unusual for me. I'm still feeling tired!

The house was surpisingly not too dirty or dusty considering I have been away for three months except for a brief visit in between when Vijay came to visit Shantiniketan. Shankari has been coming to clean up the place every now and then. Though Sunil feels not often enough. That's ok with me.

I don't know how long I'll get to stay in Bolpur. Suman says there are probably no JNLI assignments till end of May or even till June. So I can look forward to a month of rest and relaxation? I am hoping so. I wish to be able to stay put in one place for a while and catch up with reading and listening to music. But the former may pose a problem. My eyesight is deteriorating every passing day.

The cataract in my left eye is making me blind in one eye. The consequent strain on the right eye gives me a constant headache. And now the vision in that eye too has become quite blurred. But I'll manage till I find time and money to get the operation done.

Well,  one resolution is to write a daily blog of my personal life. I'll explain why as I  go along....

8 Ana Bangaliana

Ami Bangla porte pari. Likhte pari na. Tai Ingreji te likhchi. Mane Ingreji lipi baybohar korchi. Ar Bangla likhte parleo hoyto Facebook-e Banglay type koyto kora jeto na. Abar hoyto jeto -- ke jane? KhoNj nebar dorkar poreni. Tai matha gamaini.

Amake dekhle thik Bangali bole mone hoy na. Ar jokhon Banglay kotha boli, tokhon kintu aroyi oBangali mone hoy. Hoyto amar accent? Tobe ami to mone kori je onek probashi Bangali amar moto Bangla bole. Tobe I may be wrong. Amar shathe kotha bolar por onekei comment koreche je ami to besh bhalo Banglay kotha bola shikhechi! Jokhon boli amar naam Shiddhartho Shannal, tokhon shunte hoy -- apni nishchoi bideshe thekechen.

Bidesh bolte ki bojhay? Ami UK, America, France ar Japan ke bidesh mone kori. Tobe dekhchi je average Bangalira kintu Ranchi keo bidesh mone kore. Tai jodi shotti hoy, tahole to ami bideshi. Amar jonmo Delhi te. Manush hoyechi Bombay, Kanpur ar Delhi te. Hain... Kolkatay secondary schooling korechi ar college-o porechi. Tai Bangla bolte shikhechi. Tobe jehetu oi boyeshe Beatles, Marx ar marijuana niye pore thaktam, Bangla ta bhalo kore shekh hoyni. Bangla boi to porar cheshtao korini. Shomoy chilo kothay? Parar chelera paNk dito, taNsh bole dakto bole oi ektu kaaj chalabar jonno Bangla shekha. Beshirbhag khisti -- "beshi kotha bolley tiktikir b--- diye p-N- mere debo" type of bhasha. Tai bhodro shomaje mukhta bondho rakhtam ar bolley-o English ba Hindi te boltam.

Ami ashole (single s) -- I am not an a--h---! Ashole ami kintu Bangla shikhechi Delhi-r Chittoronjon Park e thake. Okhane to Panjabi dokandar-rao Banglay kotha bole. Beshirbhag dokan gulo to oderi haate -- Bangali dokandar-ra jokhon nake tel diye dupure ghumiye mota hocchilo, tokhon Panjabi dokandar-ra dokhan khola rekhe business kore poysha kamiye mota hocchilo. Jai hok, tobe eta mantey hobe je ora kintu Banglay kastomar der shathe kotha bolto. Oi amar moto Bangla bolto jodio amar shathe Hindi-tei kotha bolto. Ora bishash korto na je ami Bangali.

Tobe ami ki shotti Bangali? Ei buro boyeshe PNPC korte shikhlam na! Dine du bar ruti kheleo kono oshubidhe nei. Masher por maash maach ba mangsho na kheye thakte pari. Adda na mere thakte pari. Mohaloya shuni tobe gole pori na. Ar pujote notun kapor porina. Onek shomoy to pandale jai o na karon amar bhir bhalo lage na. Ar sheje guje burider konnader moto nyakami shojjho hoy na.

Tobe shob kota sharodiya shonka gulo kini. Golpo gulo pori. Shomoy lage, tao pori. Ar shujog pele Bangalider jonno jodi kichu korte pari, kori. Bongobhumi ebong Bangalider poton dekhe dukkho pai. Ekhankar "wark kalchar" dekhe hotash hoye jai.

Commust der "heaven" ba "hell" nei bole Marx more beNche gache. Marx porte Ingreji shike, nijeder chele-meyeder English Medium school-e poriye je Marxist ra je Inreji je ograjjho kore ei Bongobhumir ja khoti koreche, sheta hoyto Marx ba shotti kono Communist mai ka laal shojjho korte parto na.

Jai hok. Ami kintu 16 Ana Bangaliyana pari na. Tar karon ami to matro 8 Ana Bangali. Baba chilen Bangali. Ma chilen Tamilian domiciled in Kerala. Tai bodhhoy. Tobe aschorjer baypar ta ki -- dutoi state are "in the Red"! 8 Ana hole ki hobe -- ami holam Bongobhumir mai ka laal. Ar ei Bharat Mai ka laal. Bhetoreo laal.

Delhi-berate Oversight

Those responsible for the CWG "fiasco" are probably quite relieved at this point. The games are half way through without any mishap. The weather has cooperated -- no rain, no leaks. The roofs have stayed suspended. No more brigdges have collapsed and so far, no one has complained of the "Delhi belly". They managed to put up a world class show and Indian sportspersons have done the country proud by winning a record number of Gold Medals so far. The organizers are probably patting themselves on their backs. They've "pulled it off". Now that there's general public euphoria about the medal tally, all will be forgotten and forgiven. The roofs did not leak, the tiles did not fall off, the bridge did not collapse and everything was perfect. This is India... "manage ho gaya" Now forget everything and be proud to be an Indian till the euphoria lasts and then let the Indian cricket team lose a match and we are back to square one!

So what am I complaining about? And why am I complaining? Some people close to me are positively upset that I keep looking at the negative stuff instead of the positive stuff. They are upset that I keep harping about what went wrong "before" instead of being happy that our sports persons have done us proud. To them I am like the "media" who seem to focus only on the "bad things" and not on the good things. They tell me: live for today, yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come!

My problem is that I can't forget the past. One shouldn't! In fact, it's history that helps us to improve the present and secure the future. To forget the past is to keep committing the same mistakes over and over again! To forgive may be divine... to forget is downright stupidity.

My other problem is that I can't live for today without worrying about tomorrow! We who live now have a responsibility towards those who will come after us. What kind of country (and world) are we going to leave behind for them? What lessons will they learn from us? We use up resources for our own survival and that's natural. But when we waste resources, we steal from those yet to come!

And it's true, that if we forget about it by living in the present, the future may never come! Ask anyone who lived for the moment. Their future is full of regrets, remorse and recrimination.

Now what does all this have to do with the CWG and my own apathy towards the games? Well, I just can't seem to forget what happened before the games and get lost in what's happening at the moment. Yes, we are winning medals, that's great. It's to be expected when you perform in front of a home crowd and familiar with the weather and environment. And also when you are competing in an arena of a few nations and most of them economically worse off than your own and hence can't provide training and equipment for their sports persons or a wider participation. As Indians we should know that you get to participate because of who you know and who likes you rather than on merit. Even to get noticed you need to be in the right place!

Ok, I'm not trying to take away from the glory of those who are among the medals. But most Indians lack the ability of taking a critical look at themselves. So let's be aware of how and why we are doing so well. I'm willing to grant that it's due to better training facilities and equipment. And this is precisely the bee in my bonnet. Would it not have been better to forego the hosting on the CWG this year and spent the money on building more stadiums, training more atheletes and providing better equipment?

So much money has been spent. But it has all been concentrated in just one city! I still feel like a Delhiwala even though I spend years away from it from time to time and I am proud of my city even when I'm away from it. But Delhi is not India! And hence, as an Indian I feel that perhaps instead of beautifying Delhi and concentrating more on improving sports facilities in that city, other cities could have been chosen to host the games. Couldn't the CWG games take place in Guwahati instead? Kohima, Imphal or Bhopal? And better still, if the CWG did not take place at all and the money was instead used to build stadiums in every district -- a more inclusive approach to national governance!

ALWAYS a Proud Indian

I must admit that I was quite impressed by the Opening Ceremony of the CWG. I'm so glad they pulled it off without any mishap. I just couldn't shake off the feeling of apprehension during the few moments when I could watch the ceremony of TV. Then the lights went out!

Yes, there was a major power outage and electricity was restored only when the ceremony was almost over. So I didn't get to see most of it. It was frustrating. But then I consoled myself saying that I at least got to see something. Most Indians living in rural India, perhaps don't have any electricity at all and owning a TV is no less than a dream. So in reality, while Delhi and urban India celebrated the CWG opening ceremony, Most parts of India was dark. Nothing unusual. This is how it is most of the time. While India celebrated, most of Bharat went to bed early and probably on an empty stomach. I was one of the fortunate few who had a hearty meal and slept under a fan. Like the rest of India, I did not spare a thought for all those migrant labourers who died during construction work. I did not spare a thought for those who survived the slavery of labour contractors and who probably never got to see the ceremony at all.

But then these are those "stupid Biharis" who mess up the beautiful cities that we live in. The defecate all over the place and hang around just about anywhere. The government of the day pats itself on the back saying that it has provided employment to so many people! As if the government has done its citizens a big favour! But why didn't the authorities ensure that the labour contractors adhered to labour laws and provided the migrant workers with accommodation and basic facilities? We all know that the "call of nature" does not respect location! If, because you have been living in unhygienic conditions and eating "iffy" food, then you "let go" wherever you are -- even if it is in the middle of a beautiful stadium or an apartment block you are helping to build. But it is so much simpler to point at others for all that goes wrong and absolve oneself of responsibility.

But all said and done, I'm glad the CWG is taking place in Delhi. Unfortunately, a lot that is wrong with this country is being surreptitiously swept under the carpet in the euphoria. Suddenly everyone is feeling proud to be an Indian. As if they have just realised that they are one! Yesterday, someone told me to relax and enjoy the ceremony. Feel proud to be an Indian! Hey man, I feel pround to be an India ALL THE TIME! And not only when we win a cricket match or host a sports event. I love this country and am proud of it despite everything and am proud to be an Indian at all times. But that does not mean I am blind! It's because I care that I feel so strongly about what is not right. I want to set it right. I want to be counted as one who loves his country enough to try and set things right. And no one can deny that in my small way, I have tried and am still trying. If only every Indian did just a little bit for his country instead of "waking up" only when we win a match and go to sleep when it comes to casting their votes, this country would be Valhalla!

Anyway, the games are on. I'll try and watch them on TV if the national grid does not syphon off all the electricity and send it to Delhi. But like Arindam Choudhury, I too wonder if the poor of this country should be financing an event that highlights how great the British Empire was? We have the Olympics, the Asiad to prove our prowess (or the lack of it) as a sporting nation. Must we spend money to remind ourselves that we were once slaves? Well, if Britain wishes to bask in past glory, let them organize it and fund it in all the countries they had colonized! If India bids for the Olympics, when it hosts the Asiad, I feel proud. When it hosts the CWG, I feel proud that we can get together resources and pull it off. But I can't help feeling unhappy that we are reminding ourselves of our colonial past. A past steeped in slavery and chains. And that too a day after we celebrate the birthday of a man who freed us from our shackles. What Gandhiji did was to give us freedom but he could break the shackles in our minds.

I've got my fingers crossed. I pray the games go off well. Not because it makes me feel proud to be an Indian. I was born with that pride. I will die with it. I want the games to pass off without mishap because of the blood, sweat and tears of all those thousands of forgotten heroes who made the CWG possible despite the bungling and corruption of those who had the "power". I do hope that our leaders will now feel more confident that they can "do things" if they want. That they can do things very well, if they are less corrupt. I can only pray that they will use the same skills and resources to build world class roads, schools, provide electricity to the hinterland too! Let's showcase ALL OF INDIA and not just the Capital and the cities that we have -- most of which have been established by the British. The captial of this country is mostly referred to as Lutyen's Delhi. Let's prove that Delhi is Bharat ki Jaan

Wandering Wondering

Every day, except Wednesday, M wakes up at 6:00 am with the rest of the family. The little girl whimpers. She wishes to continue sleeping. Her mother heads for the kitchen and I can hear the clang of utensils. The M's mother steps into MY compound to go to THEIR garden to pluck flowers for her puja. The girl protests. Whines. The father yells. The mother yells. The grandmother placates. Then she too yells. So starts a new day for another average Indian family.

Soon the child will be driven to school. The wife will make breakfast. The grandmother will perform puja. The husband will get ready to go to work. Every day is the same. Except Wednesday. It's a holiday. For the father and the child. The wife has to go about starting the day. The grandmother ensures that she does. She wants her fist cup of tea. Perhaps she loves her daughter-in-law. Perhaps she is taking revenge on her own mother-in-law. How else do you explain why a woman who was a daughter-in-law mistreated in turn mistreats her own daugher-in-law? Or is it just possessiveness? How dare you take away what is mine -- my son?

I'm glad I don't live this way. I wake up early. Even before my neighbours wake up. But I don't have to. Maybe that's why I'm up bright and early. I could sleep for a few more minutes or hours. Who would care? Perhaps if I slept too late, the maid would get worried. Maybe the neighbours too: they are used to hearing me pray. I pray aloud because I like to hear the sound of the shlokas. The sound fills up the empty spaces and drives away the aloneness. Mind you, not loneliness. I don't feel lonely.  I do feel alone.

I know I am alone because I can eat breakfast when I want. Watch TV if I wish to. Listen to any music I prefer. I know I am alone, because no one really cares what I'm up to -- unless of course it effects their life in any way. To find out sometimes I play a game. I don't call. And my phone never rings. I often wonder how long it will be before people discover that I've been dead? Who cares? I won't be there!